PTSD and me

Most of my posts have been really positive. It's important to try and stay positive.

Sometimes though you just need  a little help.

The day of the Boston Bombing, I saw things I can't unsee. I'm not going to pretend it's my first traumatic event, but it was the one that pushed me into therapy. It was bad, I was bad. I cried loudly and openly in public. I hit the floor with every loud noise. For the first Fourth of July after the bombing, Chris and I shut our windows and watched movies and tried to ignore the fireworks. I couldn't understand why people didn't care more. I needed more, which was unfair to ask.

 I had a panic attack at my wedding. Not because of what I was doing. It was overwhelming, everyone wanting my attention. The flashing lights, calling out for my name. It was too much.

I couldn't watch normal TV shows. I was basically stuck on My Little Pony for months. It was the only thing that I could handle. But you know what I LIKE IT SO BOO ON YOU HATERS

That was when I was at my worst... But I've been struggling for years.

We don't need to dive into my childhood. Everyone has a past. The wiki version includes an abusive father, a dead brother, a sexually assaulting neighbor, and 7 car accidents.

By the time I got to college I was pretty messed up, but I didn't want to be. So, looking back at it now I can see how needy I was. How I over shared too much. College is a bad place for someone who doesn't deal well with emotions. But I tried, and I grew a lot.

But then the bombing happened and I totally broke. I couldn't function anymore. It took a friend basically telling me they didn't want to see me on my birthday because I was depressed to push me into therapy.

So I went, and it was great. It's not for everyone--and it's a lot like dating you have to find the right one. But I needed it. And I had a label for it: PTSD

Now it's almost been three years, woah that's weird... Since the bombing. I think I'm the most emotionally healthy I have ever been. I'm happy, I love myself, I have a healthy support system.

But some days are harder than others. I wake up screaming. I just don't sleep. Sometimes I just feel like a failure, or like I'm not good enough for anyone.

Today I started thinking bad thoughts about my weight, and how I wish weight loss was immediate. Which is the opposite of what I believe in and promote.

So what's the point of this long post? Well for my readers out there... Everyone has bad days and you're not alone. I'm not alone. We need to remember that we cannot change the past but you can choose how to move toward your future. If you are anxious, or depressed it's important to find SOME WAY to deal with it. It can get better. I know a lot of people are against therapy, or medication and that's fine. But life is too precious to cry in public--trust me I know it gets awkward.

There are so many good things in the world and everyone has baggage, be mindful of that. All you can do is try your best. Take a breath and do what you can to stay positive.

I hope this is helpful.

Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous