Dealing with 'DUFF'

I love to dance.

It's one of my favorite things in the world.

Despite my best efforts, it's unfortunately not publically acceptable to dance wherever I wish. And you know, it's not as fun dancing alone. I'd much rather dance with my husband or friends. My husband haaaaatttessss dancing... So I take every chance I get to dance with my friends like I did last night.

 Dub chin angle. Unfortunate. It makes you want to bend your knees--but then I'd look really short so I had to choose. Ah well.

Anyway, though I'm always super happy to see friends and super happy to dance... Going to the club is hard for a bigger person. It's hard because people expect you to be thin there. I've had my picture taken, been laughed at, been told right to my face... That I'm the DUFF. It sucks, and it hurts my feelings obviously.

The Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

I don't think I'm ugly. And I know I have excess fat.

Do people not realize that I'm aware that I have excess fat? Like, sir, do you think I was totally unaware till the moment you told me? No, as a bigger person it's on my mind every single second.

There was a point last night where I was waiting for my friends to leave the bathroom. This girl leaned against me like I was the wall. She didn't notice I had appendages or soft. She never learned of her mistake. None of her friends told her. I was invisible, which is weird for a person who takes up some room.

The thing is, I don't go there for the guys, in fact I super awkwardly and bluntly shoo them away. And in this sense being the 'DUFF' has come in handy. I'm mostly left alone. I'm perfectly in love with my fellow. I just want to dance with my girls. I don't need someone to 'take one for the team' so you can dance with my friends.

 And yeah, I do play bodyguard for my friends (which is a DUFF trait) but only when they ask. Another note for you men, not every girl ever wants to dance with you. And just because the 'DUFF' is 'cock blocking' doesn't mean the 'DUFF' is a bitch. We have hand signals. Your attention isn't wanted.

And though I don't feel ugly, and I have accepted my weight and I'm working on it... I always leave the club with a mixed bag of feelings with strangers telling me how they feel about my body.

But it's not going to stop me from doing something I love. I'm going to go dancing again because I love it. I'm going to protect my friends because they ask me to. You can say anything to your friends to make you feel better just because I have sexy friends and they don't want you. I've accepted that.

I can't control what strangers think or say.

But I can control how I feel about me.

Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous

ps. sorry about the writing break. I just needed time to think.