This is for all my readers, because everyone has their personal battles.
I had a hard childhood and started binge eating when times were at their worst in middle school. I'm not using my hardships as an excuse, no. I know I earned each pound. I was not in a good mental state to stop. I would leave home, which often was in turmoil at the time, to go to school and have THOSE boys--you know the ones--attractive, rich, in charge... just torment me.
One in particular would get me alone and force himself on me. Our parents were friends and I didn't have a good excuse to tell my mom that I didn't want to be alone with him. He would do these things then turn around at school and call me a fat, prude, loser. Everyone listened and I was pushed into silence for a long time.
What's worse is that when you hear it each day, you give up on yourself. "You're fat," "Fatty," "Fat fat fat." And I hated myself.
Many of my friends ask me why I listen to my headphones wherever I go. I'm considered a social person and as such it doesn't make sense to hide behind music. Well the truth is, when I don't wear headphones people sometimes yell "fatty" at me outside their cars... from their dorm rooms when I was in college. Everywhere. So I block it out.
And my family means well, but they just kept hurting my feelings by buying clothes a size too small. Or buying food they knew I didn't like, instead of the healthy choices I did.
Then there are times, like going to the mall with your friends. You know you are going to spend the day watching them try on clothes and look for any outlet to feel involved... So you pick out clothes for them. You never know if they notice or not, usually no one brings it up.
I think the word 'fat' hurts so much because they are summing up your entire being into one thing. One thing that is considered undesirable.
But listen, I am more than these experiences... And so are you.
I would like to point out that almost everyone is concerned about their weight. And I work on mine, you should work on yours. But not for those "perfect boys." Not for your family, or your friends or those random strangers who are too bored with themselves that they need to attack others. You need to do it for you, for your health.
And you need to realize that when someone calls you fat; that everyone has a certain amount of body fat. It does not define you. You are so much more than your weight. You have thoughts, and talents, and dreams. Please, once you are finished reading this blog, I want all my readers to make a list of everything they are. I will do the same.
I am a comedian
I am unashamed
I am a friend
I am a sister
I am a wife
I am a counselor
I am a painter
I am a poet
I am an adventurer
I am a designer
I am an activist
I am a philanthropist
I am a scholar
I am a wild child
I am a dancer
I HAVE fat.
But you know what? It's taken a long time, and I changed the way I viewed myself. I love myself and I love my body. It's MY body, and I CAN lose the weight if I want to. That's my choice. We cannot change people's reactions to the plus size community overnight. But you CAN change how it affects you.
Be you
Get dressed for you
Work out for you
Live for you
Be damn proud to express who you are because if you don't you're doing the world a great injustice.
Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous
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