Fake

Hey readers, 

It's been a while. I'm typing this on my phone so bear with me. I haven't written lately because I have some sort of sleep disorder and between that and the job it's hard to think. Sounds strange right? Well if you've ever gone a few days without sleep it'd make sense. It's harder to remember things, make decisions, heightens anxiety... Controlling emotions? Forget it. Basically feeling normal is out of the question. You're basically at face value...

Which is why I'm posting today. Recently I've been accused of being fake. Well... Not accused really--it was highly insinuated as someone was talking to me. 

Ouch

For anyone that knows me, that sucks. My whole mantra is telling people how you feel and appreciating what you have. Be kind. Be understanding. Never give up never surrender. 

I'm not in a mental capacity to consider how I've been acting to know I've been fake or not... It wasn't my intention... At what point does intention collide with perception, though? 

If by fake, you mean cordial...

The worst of it is that in the end... I'm not even mad at her for it... I really like this person. She's intelligent, strong, beautiful... But for some reason she doesn't seem to see good in me. 

No, I'm not mad... I'm just sad because I try. I've tried small talk and I've been rebuffed. I've tried showing interest and I've been rebuffed. The only thing that works is talking to her as little as possible which secretly kills me.

If I'm being honest with myself I don't have the strength to be fake. I'm genuinely trying to keep it together until this dr can see me about my sleeping problems. 

So how would you proceed readers? The only thing I can do is keep a smile on and keep on keeping on.  And when that doesn't work... Well it's okay to cry in your car like I did today... Everyone has their weak moments. Cry and move on! 

Best

Samantha the sleepless