13 Reasons Why

Well hello there, it's been a while.

Things have really changed for me these last few months. I am finally getting enough sleep to function like a human being! High five!

I love my job. I love love love it. I love my coworkers, I love my commute, I don't even care that it's so long, because I'm excited to go to work. Even when things are tense, even when they make fun of me, I know it will all be okay. We're a family, a unit. Or I am just eccentric and really just so appreciative to have the opportunity to really enjoy what I am doing. And be able to grow, and learn, and be a person who just tries to be better every day.

Things are good. Really really good for me.

Sure, hardships are still happening. But with sleep, this blog, therapy, work, my loved ones and medicine-- I feel stronger than I ever have.

Now on to the reason (ha) I decided to write this post. This is my warning, it's going to be heavy. You do not have to read this. Seriously, I will even help you out. If you are easily triggered, or easily feel uncomfortable stop reading right now. I have absolutely no problem sharing my history, but you might just not want to know. Now. Seriously stop. Okay?

So Netflix aired 13 Reasons Why based on the book with the same title. I had been waiting for this for a while, actually, because I am a huge fan of the book. It's one of my all time favorites. I secretly hoped someone would buy the rights to a visual format adaptation. And my God, Netflix thank you for crushing it. Like light on a diamond, intensified the book I fell in love with and made it shine. I wouldn't change a thing. The characters were so vivid and interesting and so relatable. Perfect, it was just perfect.

Stories like this matter. They certainly do to me. To returning readers, you would know that I had a difficult past. I've told bits and pieces but there are parts... Parts that only 3 or 4 people in my entire life know. Parts that I left out till now. Parts where... I knew exactly how Hannah felt.

5th grade, I was a cheerleader. I had been for years. I quit half way through the year because of bullying. The popular boys, my childhood best friend included, decided I was no longer cool. I don't really remember why. He went through phases like that. It only really stuck though, after the bite. This particular phase though, was particularly bad. At the end of the day, the school busses would stand in a line, 1 through 13 I think. I was on the 2nd to last bus, so I was one of the few to walk the longest. One day, my childhood 'best friend' convinced all the popular boys, including my crush, to shout my name from their respective bus, then flip me off. Interestingly enough, there was maybe only 1 or 2 busses where a kid didn't yell my name. That night, I wrote my first draft of my suicide note (that I have mentioned in previous posts). They didn't know that tensions were at their pique at my house. My parents never went back to normal after my brother died. Sure, things weren't perfect before but the abuse was at it's pique and I just had no hope.

So I had no hope, and drafted probably daily, what I would write. Till one day, one of the last days, according to my plan, when a girl saw me writing in class. She couldn't see what I wrote, but clearly she was curious because I guess when I wasn't looking, she grabbed it from my bag. I'm not really sure how many people wrote the note before I noticed there was a slow wave followed by shocked expressions that seemed to follow a piece of paper. When it landed on the kid's desk directly in front of me, was when the teacher noticed. She grabbed it, without reading it, and put it on her desk. Three periods later I was called in the office and forced into therapy. So thank you, nosy girl who took my note from my backpack. And thank you teacher for finding the note. It saved my life.

It turned out that the most mortifying thing in my life turned out to be the best thing for me. Isn't that always the way?

The point is, I appreciate 13 Reasons Why. It spoke to me as being very real. And I read it at a time in my life that the message it presents is very important. Our actions and non actions toward others matter. You don't know what burden others carry. And trust me, no one's perfect, certainly not me. But that is how I am trying to live my life. As true and honest and as hard as I can. I always try to tell people things that I like about them because I don't think we do it enough. Maybe someone needs it. You never know... But I'm called weird for it. But I got to be honest with you, I don't care. Normal isn't real. Normal usually prevents people from telling others how they really feel. Fuck normal. I may seem scatterbrained, and I probably struggle a lot. But I live, and I am appreciative of life. And thank you to everyone who makes my life better. And if you ever need someone to talk to, please please don't give up. Reach out and reach out again. It can get better.

As always, lots of love

Samantha

Let's Talk About Kesha

So unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Kesha has filed a civil suit to get out of her contract with Sony, or more specifically, away from her alleged rapist and producer. The case has been public, brutal, and frankly, disgusting. There's a lot of speculation. Why did she claim that there was no abuse under oath? Why didn't she use a rape kit? Why did it take so long to come forward? What if it's a ploy to get out of her contract? Why is she only doing a civil suit and not a criminal suit? How can you even prove it?

As a survivor, I can easily answer these for you.

"Why did she claim that there was no abuse under oath?"

Well, she made these claims in 2011. A lot can happen in five years. Alternatively, she could have been threatened, or outright scared to speak up. Many survivors do not come forward as a form of protection or self preservation.

"Why didn't she use a rape kit?"

This would not be public record so we don't know if she has or not. There are rumors that she did in fact go to the hospital with her mother. But again, that would not be something released.

"Why did it take so long to come forward?"

Some sirvivors never come forward for this exact reason. I will touch more on this later in my post.

"What if it's a ploy to get out of her contract?"

I hear 'the survivor is faking it' far too often. It perpetuates the disbelief of all survivors. I will touch more on this later in my post.

"Why is she only doing a civil suit and not a criminal suit?"

It is painful enough to come forward without trying to put your attacker behind bars. Some people just want to be free of the pain.

"How can you even prove it?"

When two people are alone, how do you expect to prove it? If for whatever reason, you cannot use a rape kit, how do you expect to prove it? When your rapist is loved by many, how do you expect to prove it?

This is all my opinion. Take what you will and think what you want.

But know this:

Why would any survivor: male, female, soldier, prisoner, daughter, son, anyone come forward in today's society?

I look at Kesha's case and I feel sick. I feel sick because I know that this is a real, constant problem. Rape is one of the worst things you can do to a person, second to death. In some cases, it can make someone feel dead. I know too many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted in their short lives. I know more people who have than who haven't.

I know even less who have come forward and honestly, they all did not go well:

A friend of mine was raped by two of her mother's boyfriends. She took them to court. She won. The heartbreaking part did not have to do with the trial. It was her mother's reaction. She did not believe her daughter. My friend was sent to live with relatives. They were never the same.

Another friend came forward. She did not press charges, however. She just wanted to feel safe. A majority of her friends did not believe her. A majority of friends still do not believe her, even though multiple other girls have come forward as well.

And then there is me. Many people know about my story... my childhood best friend. I have spoken at Take Back The Night and have been an advocate for years for survivors. I still have nightmares. I still see people who look like him and feel unsafe. A family member that knows what happened... Well... they tried to make me feel bad about not wanting to see him.

But that's not the whole story. I honestly don't remember if I have written about this before... I feel like a hypocrite because even though I told my story about my childhood best friend at Take Back The Night... I never told the story about my father. I didn't even really accept that it happened till I was a senior in college. I did not want to admit that someone who was supposed to be my hero was actually someone I was quite afraid of. Even talking about it in therapy I feel dizzy and cannot confront it.

I have been more quiet about this because one of the first people I told doubted me. It crushed me.

For years, I said nothing. Being afraid of what people would think of me. I never reported what happened to me for fear of what happened to my two friends and Kesha. Doubt in what happened is crushing. There is nothing more isolating to a survivor than doubt.

Rape affects people in different ways. It can make you angry. It can make you depressed or scared. I knew my attackers, and I still walk with my keys between my knuckles. It can make you uninterested in some of the most beautiful things in life: love, sex, even living.

Disbelief magnifies those feelings to a whole new level. But please, listen to me. Rapists don't have 'rapist' written on their forehead. Our society is not black and white, it's hues of grey. People don't really know what consent is anymore and it's scary.

It's unfortunate that in this age that I do not feel safe reporting. Because honestly reporting could mean prevention.

To anyone who is scared to speak out, I am here for you. If I know you well or not. I can help you the best I am able. And if someone comes to you, please listen. It could mean a world of difference.

Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous

Limitless

We are not limitless ladies and gents. It's a hard truth we have to accept as adults.

The truth is, sometimes, the only thing you can do is control yourself in the moment. You can give your full self into something, do your very best even, and whether or not people accept your efforts is not up to you.

So, if you're like me, this can be really hard sometimes. I am driven to please others. I really want to be happy, and I want others to be happy. Well, I cannot control how someone reacts to what I give out into the world. What do I do, to maintain my happiness then? I work as hard as I can for me. And I know my limits.

You should try your hardest in life. You should consider why other people are the way they are... But you need to remember your limits.







In friendships, for instance, it should be a two way street. If you give and give and give and often find yourself wondering why it's so one sided and often find yourself hurt by this, where do you draw the line? You cannot make someone like you. You cannot make someone care for you the same you care for them. If you are finding that you are this situation, I ask you to consider the situation. Why are you putting so much effort into something you are not happy with? Focus on you and your happiness, and the person may come calling. If they don't... Well what does that say? There are people who care about you, sometimes you just have to kiss some friend frogs.



In relationships, it's the same thing. Don't spend your life fighting. Don't spend it struggling to get what you think you deserve. Be kind, be understanding of the person you love, and hold those same standards for yourself.

An easy way to tell if you have crossed your limits: If you feel worthless, weak, wrong, like a failure, that no one can help you, that no one understand or cares for you

You are far past your limits... You are worthy of love and understanding but you just may be in the wrong place to receive it. Don't give up on yourself.



I have recently reached my limits, which is weird for me because I am extremely resilient. I've realized though, that being limited does not mean being weak or wrong or a failure. It does not mean I am not resilient. It means that I am human. It means recognizing what the healthiest course for my life may be.


For everything in your life: friends, family, coworkers, loved ones... It's important to recognize your worth, and how much you're willing to take for the sake of your own happiness. We only have one life to live... Live it happy. Live it healthy.

The Eye of a Storm

Hello readers,

I ask that you keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Usually I am more open in hard times, but in the case... I'm only really telling people who need to know... And I can't write about it... That's not what this post is about.

It's inspired about my boss, actually. I e-mailed her last night to tell her about the current situation, and she replied just as I got into my car to drive to work.

This woman, she's what I hope to be like one day. She's so kind and caring. She smiles and it makes you excited to be in her presence. She inspires you, makes you want to be your very best. She's the type of person who would give you everything, and expect nothing. Though I did not expect it, she gave me the day off to really deal with what's going on. She too, is going through a difficult situation and she said something so beautiful that it stuck with me.

In her case, she will wake up and take in the beauty of her surroundings, and end the day the same as well.

Have you done this readers? I find that in many ways, it's how I've survived my hardships... Big and small.

For instance, my last two blogs were directed toward a confrontation with someone I know. Well I was assigned to work at the pool to get to know the person who runs it and the general day to day activities. I didn't feel right swimming and getting paid for it so I waited ALL DAY till my shift ended to jump in. For anyone who knows me, I'm happiest in the water.

So the conflict was on my mind as I sat and watched people swim, because a large part of me believe that there is a solution to everything, if I work hard enough. But once I jumped in, I laid on my back and swam peacefully back and forth across the pool. My ears underwater, total silence, looking at the ceiling I was in the eye of my personal storm. A moment for me. I was at peace.

Another big one for me is graphic design. If something is going on I will just put on my headphones and create something. Focus, control, determination, creating something beautiful. It makes me calm.

You know, unfortunately everyone will have their personal baggage. We all deal with it in unique ways. I urge you to find your moment of peace. Whether it be going out to dinner with friends, dancing your troubles away, or just gazing at the sunset... It will do you a lot of good.

We're all human and all you can do is try your best to deal with crazy, beautiful, complicated life.


Lots of love,
Samantha the appreciative

An Eye For An Eye

Hey readers!

Been thinking over my last post... A question I received was... Why don't you hate this person for treating you this way?

My question back, what good does that do?

Hating someone just because they don't like you solves nothing. To quote my all time favorite movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman (You should totally watch it),

"When somebody hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself. "

I don't like how this person views me. Hating her for it only reinforces her opinion of me.

I am a nice person. I believe it's better to make the best out of difficult situations. I'd rather laugh then cry when I'm frustrated. I'm willing to give chances after chances because I understand being frustrated. I understand being human. 

I also understand that people view things differently than I do. I cannot expect the same courtesy in return. 

The only thing I can really do is prove her wrong by continuing to be me. I'm eccentric, I like being happy... If people think I'm being fake because of all this, fine. But I know I'm being true to myself. Life it too short.

You don't have control of other people and how they perceive you... In the end you can only do so much... But you better damn try to be your best self--for you.

Just something to think about.

Best,
Samantha the thoughtful

Fake

Hey readers, 

It's been a while. I'm typing this on my phone so bear with me. I haven't written lately because I have some sort of sleep disorder and between that and the job it's hard to think. Sounds strange right? Well if you've ever gone a few days without sleep it'd make sense. It's harder to remember things, make decisions, heightens anxiety... Controlling emotions? Forget it. Basically feeling normal is out of the question. You're basically at face value...

Which is why I'm posting today. Recently I've been accused of being fake. Well... Not accused really--it was highly insinuated as someone was talking to me. 

Ouch

For anyone that knows me, that sucks. My whole mantra is telling people how you feel and appreciating what you have. Be kind. Be understanding. Never give up never surrender. 

I'm not in a mental capacity to consider how I've been acting to know I've been fake or not... It wasn't my intention... At what point does intention collide with perception, though? 

If by fake, you mean cordial...

The worst of it is that in the end... I'm not even mad at her for it... I really like this person. She's intelligent, strong, beautiful... But for some reason she doesn't seem to see good in me. 

No, I'm not mad... I'm just sad because I try. I've tried small talk and I've been rebuffed. I've tried showing interest and I've been rebuffed. The only thing that works is talking to her as little as possible which secretly kills me.

If I'm being honest with myself I don't have the strength to be fake. I'm genuinely trying to keep it together until this dr can see me about my sleeping problems. 

So how would you proceed readers? The only thing I can do is keep a smile on and keep on keeping on.  And when that doesn't work... Well it's okay to cry in your car like I did today... Everyone has their weak moments. Cry and move on! 

Best

Samantha the sleepless

All Work, Some Play

So I started the new job, and I love the positive atmosphere. There isn't much for me to do yet as I have a few things here and there to finish before I can start designing.

My thing is that I feel like I try too hard. I want to be liked, and to be thought of as a hard worker. I know I have to calm down so I don't drive me coworkers crazy with my anxiety. But really though, they're amazing. I'm even sad about the people who are leaving.

In other news, I've officially moved into the world of adult clothing. I used to dread the thought of suits, though I really hoped I had a reason to wear one. Well times are changing ladies and gents... Office wear can now be colorful and playful. So I took a picture of my outfits for my first full week--with the exception of casual Tuesday (for a going away party) eh I'm just not as much of a fan of my outfit that day. My blog my rules!

And talking about my rules... I'm NOT going to link you to my shoes, or tell you the company. Name brands really shouldn't matter, especially in shoes. If it's cute and it looks good WHO CARES? I will tell you where I get my shoes, as I don't think anyone should pay full price for these expensive shoes. There IS something to say about expensive shoes as they are more comfortable... But why pay $350 when you can get them for $50. So check out myhabit.com

So Monday I wore:

 



This suit from Simply Be. They sell the pants for $59.95 and the blazer for $79.95. The shirt is from Eloquii, which is constantly having crazy sales. Normally it's $74.90.

 

Wednesday:

 

This blazer was from LaneBryant but it's no longer available. Find a similar by following the link. This is a similar shirt to the one shown... And a similar skirt as well.


I need to get going so I'm going to skip the prices for the rest of the outfits.

Thursday:

 

dress

blazer

 

 

The last was from MyHabit.com. I'm telling you check out this site!

 

 

 

Now if you will excuse me, I have the 10 year anniversary of my sorority to celebrate!

 

Pictures to come!

 

Lots of love,

Samantha the Fatulous

 

 



Should Adults Be Ashamed To Read Young Adult Novels?

I really enjoy reading.

Scratch that--

I really enjoy reading but I am extremely picky when it comes to what I want to read at any particular point in time.

So I was doing research about popular fiction (I made quite the beautiful list) and I found this article that made me kind of angry. The synopsis is that if you read young adult novels past the age of 17, you are an embarrassment and not a real adult. Here's what annoys me about the article

1. He mentions four authors, and gives a spoiler to one book. For me, if you're going to try to convince a group to do something, shaming never works. Maybe if he had given a suggestion on where to start in the vast world of adult novels, I'd be more appreciative. Like I said, I'm picky, and honestly after offending me, I wasn't interested in looking up those authors.

2. In a world where we're constantly obsessed with technology I don't think you should knock ANYONE on what they are reading. At least they're reading right? If they find a book that makes them happy and enriched then that's exactly what they need at the time. Who cares if the characters are 17 and you're like a mother or three or something. I feel like people read now to make sense of their feelings. Or to escape their world. OR just to be interested in something other than themselves and their smartphones.

3. I mean, I love Pride and Prejudice and all... and some other adult novels but honestly the adult novel world scares me. And in my opinion, the writer of that article is foolish to assume that everyone gets the same thing out of reading that he does. It's great for him that he can probably read any literature and be content--as long as it's meant for adults that is.

 

 I can't do that. Dickens pisses me off. There are a lot of things about a book that can rub me the wrong way. If I'm not into a book by the 15th page I usually stop. BUT THAT'S JUST ME! If you like the same book I don't enjoy that's totally cool.

4. He went hardest on fans of 'The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green. How can you ever say anything bad about John Green? His quotes will punch you in the soul (That's a compliment) and it brought to light some things that we as society don't feel comfortable talking about. That's a big deal. I think our generation, or a large portion, is about finding ourselves and figuring out how we feel about the world, and I think that you can really find answers and opinions in the young adult world.

5. I think the author confuses young adult romance with being too cheesy and any type of romance being too cheesy. I'm a romantic and like the cheesy stuff. If you don't like it stay away from romance in general.

Basically for me this guy's opinion is extremely closed minded despite the fact that he claims to be well read. The two don't always go hand in hand. He's that guy at the dinner party who points out how every thing is wrong. He's the guy that fights with the coolest professor on campus. He's that friend that's super critical of every band you like. He's that woman from misery who breaks that guy's foot. I MEAN HE EVEN HAD A SPOILER IN HIS ARTICLE SHAME ON HIM! That's how I feel about that guy. We wouldn't be friends.

I'm going to read a book that speaks to me, regardless of the genre. If you feel similar to the person who wrote the article, please encourage readers by offering suggestions. Don't snuff anyone's glow for the written word.

Best,
Samantha the Fatulous

Vacation, all I ever wanted

So, I got a job, YAY!

To celebrate my husband took me to our favorite vacation spot.

When you go on vacation, where do you go? First and foremost--you should go to somewhere that makes you happy.

The beach? For me, I've taken too many Oceanography courses for my own good. I didn't need to know all the things that could be 5 feet away from you. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong... But I prefer lakes and rivers.

Casinos? I don't have money to lose.

We really like the White Mountains. I think they're overlooked--especially this time of year. Hear me out.

You don't have to be into skiing or hiking to enjoy the beauty.

The air is just something else. It's fresh. It feels good to breathe.

The people that live here full time are usually following their dreams and put a lot of effort into their business.

For instance, we stay at The Inn at Ellis River. It's a cute B&B that will just blow your mind. Our room has a comfy king bed, a fire place, and a Jacuzzi for two. They left fun soaps and mixes to add to the tub, along with rubber duckies. There's no kids allowed so it's always quiet. They have a pool in the summer and a full sized Jacuzzi in the main house. The breakfast is home made with secret recipes that have been passed down through the years.

All the restaurants we go to, the people are excited to be there. It's just a slower pace in general. They put time and care into the food. They support local venders.

As for shopping? Well... It's 20 minutes to the closest Walgreens, 10 to the closest liquor store, and 5 to the closest novelty shop. I love it. They have shops dedicated to jerky, to Belgian chocolate, to the occult, antiques, and really great book stores.

The people of the White Mountains are proud. They're proud of local vendors, particularly their alcohol related vendors. They aren't shy to tell you where the best places are. They love it. LOVE IT

Also, there's less pressure. After a while, I noticed that no one really wears make up up here. That is such a beautiful concept. In Mass, I almost feel obligated to do my hair a certain way, do my makeup a certain way... Dress a certain way. It's freeing just not to care.

Oh, and going this time of year has some serious perks! We got 30% off the B&B because we are returning customers, plus April is in their slow season. PLUS PLUS PLUS we added the super cheap spa package which included hour long massages. I scared my masseuse when I started to snore.. which in turn woke me up lol

So, all this left us feeling close and relaxed. But go where makes you happy! If you think the White Mountains are for you I recommend:

Stay:
Inn at Ellis River

Food:
Christmas Farm and Spa Restaurant
Hole in the Wall
Peaches
Peking Sunrise
The Banner Diner

Shopping:

The North Conway Strip. DONE.


I'm going to go sit by the fire and read this book by a local artist and drink some locally made mead. I will let you know if I like them.

Best,
Samantha the Fatulous

Shower Chic

So my brother is getting married YAYYY! I'm one of two in the party, and the other person lives far away so I'm really running the show here. Luckily I have a super awesome best friend and a super awesome husband to help me put it all together. So how do you throw a shower? What do you wear? Who is invited?




















1. Who is invited?

Well that's totally up to the couple getting married. But let me tell you... No one will respond. You will be calling, emailing, and chasing people down in grocery stores. Don't be surprised, you should know this by now.

You'll be like... ANSWER ME ANSWER ME ANSWER ME!

 

 



2. Location Location Location

Sure, you could go with a boring plain room... Or you could find that gem. The gem that is within your price range. Extra points if it's within theme. Extra points if it's sentimental to the couple getting married.

I chose the Bedford Village Inn. I had attended a wedding at the location for my sister in law. It's beautiful,  with it's rustic charm. The food is out of this world. It was voted top 10 places to get married in New Hampshire. I'm telling you, it's straight out of a fairy tail. What many people don't know is that locations like this often have smaller rooms they rent out that are just as beautiful as their grand halls... For significantly less!

The outside of Bedford Village Inn

 

The room we rented came with two attendants that filled out glasses and catered to our every whim.

There was also paintings on the walls with birds in them, which was essentially the theme, 'love birds'.

 

 

3. Know your audience

 

My brother likes control and doesn't mind attention, his fiancé doesn't particularly care about control and hates attention. Both are opinionated, though. This is pretty normal. So when picking games, think of the couple and what they would like.

 

 

Also, if you're going to use volunteers, make sure you pick volunteers before you tell them what they're doing--it's much easier to get volunteers that way-- and they usually go along with it. SSHHH that's my secret to you! My mom, for instance, would not have volunteered to be covered in toilet paper:

 

 But aren't you so glad she did?? Me too. My brother laughed so hard he cried.



If you're dealing with a shy bride or groom... Or groom and groom in this case... Make them a judge in a silly game! I chose the toilet paper fashion walk off. Always a hit. Always hilarious. That's my mom, my grandfather, and my best friend bahaha

 

Then we did a newlyweds game, they kept confiding in each other so it didn't last long hahaha

 

My last suggestion is gift bingo... The guests write what they think the couple will get so they don't get bored during gift opening. Let's be honest it's hard to watch someone else open presents.

 

4. Fooooood

 

If you are uninterested in food porn please skip to number 5. Yes. So I chose a breakfast buffet that included sausage, bacon, French toast, eggs, home fries, pastries, juice. Soooo good. I can't even. The drools.

 

Then the passed hors d'oeuvres were deviled eggs with salmon, thai egg rolls, scallops and bacon, and a mushroom with ermm... something in it idk it was good though.

 

Then the cake THE CAKE! It was sponge filled with raspberry topped with buttercream icing. Yes.

 

 

 

 

5. The fashion

 

So these are the people you probably want to believe that your life is together. So wear something nice. Wear something that projects 'I'm here to make sure the couple has a good time.' Extra points for matching the décor.

 

 



I'm wearing a cobalt blazer from Lane Bryant, $79.95 (wait for a sale, I did)

A peacock skirt from ModCloth, $69.99

A white tunic from Modcloth, $32.99

Navy heels from ModCloth, $34.99

 

Joanne's outfit... Well I don't know where most of her clothes are from so I'm going to find similar items. I gave her that sweater so I happen to know where it is from HAHA

 

Her sweater is from the company Les Petites, the sweater was limited edition and is no longer available. Find similar sweaters on their website.

 

 A dress similar to hers can be found at ModCloth, $99.99

The shoes... No way I'm going to be able to find those shoes.

 

 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!

 

Lots of love,

Samantha the Fatulous

 

Interview Advice

All y'all youngin's who read my blog... HEED MY WARNING

1. Be sure of your plans.

When I first made plans for this interview, it was for Friday at 1:30. They had to reschedule for this morning... For some reason that it didn't click that it was at a different time. Luckily I woke up at 7 for no particular reason and reread the e-mail to double check. Turns out it was planned for 10:30. I immediately jumped out of bed and rushed to the shower.

2. Always lay your outfit out the night before.

So I blow dried and did all the prep things... Then looked for my outfit. The bottom to my suit was nowhere to be found. I tore my whole apartment apart and found nothing. So I went to my plan B... A suit with flowers on it. It didn't feel right so I quickly changed into a skirt and tights and wore the top of my suit.


3. Always leave two hours before your interview if you don't know exactly where you are going.

I did this for traffic reasons... Just in case. Luckily, there was no traffic... At all! I arrived with an hour and a half to spare. So I pull up to the entrance of the location I applied to--wrong entrance. They said I just had to follow the road and couldn't miss it. The road came to an end and I saw no entrance. I drove back and forth till I pulled over to ask a different entrance where the correct entrance was. Turns out I had to take two rights after the road ends. So I get to the entrance and at this point I'm like

With only 45 minutes to spare. I had to get a guest pass, so I park my car and walk into a reasonable line. No problem. I ask if the building I was looking for was easy to find... They say yes. Good news! I planned to do my makeup in my spare time. So I get my pass and I finally drive on location. Not only can I not find the building but I can't make sense of the number system. I felt like this:

 

 

 

So I look at the clock and next thing I knew I had 12 minutes till my interview. I talked to the closest person I could find and I was like:

 

 

Luckily I was extremely close to the building. So I look for parking... None! NONE! So... I sort of made a spot behind other people who clearly also made some impromptu spots. 8 minutes till the interview I changed shoes and ran toward the building. I went to the general location of the office, and I couldn't find anyone so I was like:

I soon found a very nice woman who showed me where to go. At this point my phone was off but I'm pretty sure I made it... Which brings me to my next word of advice.

4. Shake off whatever happened prior to you being there because it's your time to make it or break it!

I'm not going to say where this place is, because I don't want to jinx it. Keep your fingers crossed for me because the place I applied to seems really nice... Just a really great atmosphere! I hope I hope I hope!

Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous

Rumor Has It

Everybody talks about everybody... It's our society. I'm the first to say I like to know what's going on in my friend's lives. Usually in this case, it's a positive conversation, like this:

"Did you hear Kristen is pregnant?"
"No, but that's so exciting!"

Or when you get in a fight with someone, you're going to vent. That makes sense, you can't get mad at someone for venting as long as the situation is eventually resolved.

There are the people you are cordial with because you have to be. It's clear you don't see eye to eye but there's respect there. But behind closed doors, you're going to vent.

There are the people you just don't get along with.. Again, you vent... But it can't prevent your day to day life or theirs. The stories are good though!

Then there is the last group... The group that pretends to like you then talks poorly about you. I don't understand this group. If I think you like me, you act like you are excited to see me, then why do I keep hearing rumors?

It's frustrating that I genuinely try to be nice to everyone. I have to accept that not everyone is going to like me. But what am I to do now? Every time I hear a rumor it's harder to pretend I don't know. It's hard to accept these excited greetings.

No one likes to be talked about. Sometimes you gotta shake it off. Sometimes you just gotta keep on keeping on.

Best,

 

Samantha the Fatulous

Why Everyone Should Go To A Drag Show

Fitchburg State has a lot of issues. It's not the safest neighborhood... The administration makes some questionable decisions that do not benefit the students. But student life... That's one of the biggest reasons to go to Fitchburg. There's so many events that are student hosted. Like, every night there are events worth going to. There's one event though... It's bigger than the annual concert... Bigger than the raves, the comedy nights, the casino nights... That's Fitchburg State University's Drag Show. You really can't miss it. It's an open and free environment that everyone can be themselves. That, to me, makes a good atmosphere.

1. The talent

How creative do you have to be to rework these classic songs in a hilarious and interesting way. Plus, I can't walk in heels, nevermind dance in them so kudos to the heel dancing community, I suck.















2. The fashion

Everything is so glamorous. The shoes, the costumes, the hair, the makeup. Some of the boobs even rivaled my own! There's clever costume changes... Beautiful hair... I just love the looks!











3. What's on the inside

The guts to be who you want to be in a society that makes up rules that really don't matter. The world Is beautiful because of our differences. Not only that but guys that you go to college with actually sign up to get dressed up for the crowd. It's not even a question about being worried of being bullied after because it's not like that. The people that go up are awesome and get nothing but love and support.








4.The Fund Raising

All ticket proceeds go to a local charity every year. Also, this is the location for pro-equality which is so important. With over 1000 tickets sold-- $10 for non students and $5 for students I think... Just imagine the money they raised for a local charity. A bonus-- one of the dancers sold her left tit for $80. Signed and kissed.










5. The Fun

Dancing on tables, breaking chairs, some extra special attention... You're going to have a good time. There's jokes, lip syncing... REAL SINGING! It's all magical.

So what I'm saying is... if you didn't go last night you missed out. GO NEXT YEAR! Or look for local opportunities. You will love it. One more picture:
















Best,
Samantha the Fatulous

Listening to a Skipping Track

I like to talk. I think we all know I like to talk.

I've also been through a lot, which makes me particularly good at understanding other's pain. I think it's stamped on my forehead sometimes because people I don't even know particularly well have always been quite forthcoming.

For as long as I can remember, I've given advice. Today, I'm giving advice about giving advice.

It's difficult, it's complex.

A lot of times, you may find that the receiver of your advice talks about the same problem with no solution... And probably, they go back to the thing that gave them pain in the first place.

It's frustrating. It's emotionally taxing on the advice giver because you care.

The thing is, just because you give advice, doesn't mean the listener is obligated to take it.

You don't truly know what it's like to be in their shoes even if the situation is similar. They can't always see your perspective because things aren't always as simple as it sounds.

It took me a long time to accept this.

When I was young, a lot of bad things happened between my parents. My father was abusive and we stayed. He did something worth going to jail for again... This time for four years. My mother bailed him out and he left us.

Soon after my mother began dating someone new. 12 years later... They are finally openly out as a couple. But it was after years of seeing her smiling like a school girl one week, and crying like her world was ending the next. Do you know what that is like? To watch your mother cry for twelve years? I begged her to move on. I gave her reasons in a nice way. I gave her reasons in a harsh way. At the end of the day it didn't matter.

You are only in control of yourself. You need to do what is best for you. There is only so much you can do for someone, then you have to let it go. We're all moving the same direction at different speeds. We're like leaves in a current, and sometimes people just get caught up.

So what do you do? Keep calm, try your best to be a good friend. Hope they find their way. Be supportive if they make a change. And dear bob don't give advice when you're angry. That helps no one. If eventually, it all becomes too much, you have to do what is best for your life. But when you do that, remember there is a person who is still hurting, so find your balance or separation from the situation.

Like I said, complicated. Just try your best every day.

Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous

ps sorry for the hiatus... I'm trying really hard to find a job. That's what I do every second of every day... With the exception of when my friends pry me from my computer.

Why 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman' will always be one of my favorite films.

This movie is so ridiculously strong with life lessons I don't even know where to start. The beginning? sounds good.

No matter how nice, good, or right you are... Sometimes people may treat you badly. Even though you don't deserve it.

 

Sometimes it's better to get out of a bad situation instead of fighting to fix something that's terrible for you.

 

 

Life continues when you're not looking... Not just to you, but to those you care about.

 

Sometimes grandparents are the best people to come to your aid. I wouldn't mess with my Grandmother when she's mad. Not even slightly irritated.

Some things are more important than money, like your dignity.

 

You can't blame every man for one asshole's wrongdoings.

 

"Orlando: Why you being so mean, woman?

Helen: Why you being so nice, man? "

 

 

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest. You can't enable someone forever.

 

 

You can't judge the offspring by the parent. They are their own person.

 

Maybe you shouldn't get involved with someone who is super involved in crime...

Maybe you shouldn't link your girl on the side to your banks accounts and put her in charge if you live or die. Because she may say 'fuck it' and steal your money.

 

" Do you see what you left me for? This is what you left me for. Look at it. She didn't give a damn about you Charles, she told them to let you die." Helen to Charles

 

"September 19th. Dear Diary, as I sit here thinking about picking up the pieces of what used to be my life, I realized something. Every room in this house holds a painful memory for me. Even though he's suffering, something somewhere in me wants him to suffer more. A few months and a divorce can take you through just as many emotions as 18 years in a marriage. And I'm starting to feel all of them at once. But the one that is clear is rage. Signed, a Mad Black Woman." Helen

 

 

Revenge may seem good at the time but...

 

TRUTH

 

It's okay to let go, feel love, and be happy again.

 

There are plenty of people out there that want to love, and be loved.

 

"I know you don't believe in fairy tales. But, if you did, I'd want to be your knight in shining armor. You've been through so much. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. Now I may not be able to give you all that your used to. But I do know I can love you past your pain. I don't want you to worry about anything. You just wake up in the morning, that's all you have to do and I'll take it from there. There's one condition. You have to be my wife." Orlando

 

 

And last, people CAN change. All you have to do is want it for yourself.

 

Lots of love,

Samantha the fatulous