Well hello there, it's been a while.
Things have really changed for me these last few months. I am finally getting enough sleep to function like a human being! High five!
I love my job. I love love love it. I love my coworkers, I love my commute, I don't even care that it's so long, because I'm excited to go to work. Even when things are tense, even when they make fun of me, I know it will all be okay. We're a family, a unit. Or I am just eccentric and really just so appreciative to have the opportunity to really enjoy what I am doing. And be able to grow, and learn, and be a person who just tries to be better every day.
Things are good. Really really good for me.
Sure, hardships are still happening. But with sleep, this blog, therapy, work, my loved ones and medicine-- I feel stronger than I ever have.
Now on to the reason (ha) I decided to write this post. This is my warning, it's going to be heavy. You do not have to read this. Seriously, I will even help you out. If you are easily triggered, or easily feel uncomfortable stop reading right now. I have absolutely no problem sharing my history, but you might just not want to know. Now. Seriously stop. Okay?
So Netflix aired 13 Reasons Why based on the book with the same title. I had been waiting for this for a while, actually, because I am a huge fan of the book. It's one of my all time favorites. I secretly hoped someone would buy the rights to a visual format adaptation. And my God, Netflix thank you for crushing it. Like light on a diamond, intensified the book I fell in love with and made it shine. I wouldn't change a thing. The characters were so vivid and interesting and so relatable. Perfect, it was just perfect.
Stories like this matter. They certainly do to me. To returning readers, you would know that I had a difficult past. I've told bits and pieces but there are parts... Parts that only 3 or 4 people in my entire life know. Parts that I left out till now. Parts where... I knew exactly how Hannah felt.
5th grade, I was a cheerleader. I had been for years. I quit half way through the year because of bullying. The popular boys, my childhood best friend included, decided I was no longer cool. I don't really remember why. He went through phases like that. It only really stuck though, after the bite. This particular phase though, was particularly bad. At the end of the day, the school busses would stand in a line, 1 through 13 I think. I was on the 2nd to last bus, so I was one of the few to walk the longest. One day, my childhood 'best friend' convinced all the popular boys, including my crush, to shout my name from their respective bus, then flip me off. Interestingly enough, there was maybe only 1 or 2 busses where a kid didn't yell my name. That night, I wrote my first draft of my suicide note (that I have mentioned in previous posts). They didn't know that tensions were at their pique at my house. My parents never went back to normal after my brother died. Sure, things weren't perfect before but the abuse was at it's pique and I just had no hope.
So I had no hope, and drafted probably daily, what I would write. Till one day, one of the last days, according to my plan, when a girl saw me writing in class. She couldn't see what I wrote, but clearly she was curious because I guess when I wasn't looking, she grabbed it from my bag. I'm not really sure how many people wrote the note before I noticed there was a slow wave followed by shocked expressions that seemed to follow a piece of paper. When it landed on the kid's desk directly in front of me, was when the teacher noticed. She grabbed it, without reading it, and put it on her desk. Three periods later I was called in the office and forced into therapy. So thank you, nosy girl who took my note from my backpack. And thank you teacher for finding the note. It saved my life.
It turned out that the most mortifying thing in my life turned out to be the best thing for me. Isn't that always the way?
The point is, I appreciate 13 Reasons Why. It spoke to me as being very real. And I read it at a time in my life that the message it presents is very important. Our actions and non actions toward others matter. You don't know what burden others carry. And trust me, no one's perfect, certainly not me. But that is how I am trying to live my life. As true and honest and as hard as I can. I always try to tell people things that I like about them because I don't think we do it enough. Maybe someone needs it. You never know... But I'm called weird for it. But I got to be honest with you, I don't care. Normal isn't real. Normal usually prevents people from telling others how they really feel. Fuck normal. I may seem scatterbrained, and I probably struggle a lot. But I live, and I am appreciative of life. And thank you to everyone who makes my life better. And if you ever need someone to talk to, please please don't give up. Reach out and reach out again. It can get better.
As always, lots of love
Samantha
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Friday, April 8, 2016
Let's Talk About Kesha
So unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Kesha has filed a civil suit to get out of her contract with Sony, or more specifically, away from her alleged rapist and producer. The case has been public, brutal, and frankly, disgusting. There's a lot of speculation. Why did she claim that there was no abuse under oath? Why didn't she use a rape kit? Why did it take so long to come forward? What if it's a ploy to get out of her contract? Why is she only doing a civil suit and not a criminal suit? How can you even prove it?
As a survivor, I can easily answer these for you.
"Why did she claim that there was no abuse under oath?"
Well, she made these claims in 2011. A lot can happen in five years. Alternatively, she could have been threatened, or outright scared to speak up. Many survivors do not come forward as a form of protection or self preservation.
"Why didn't she use a rape kit?"
This would not be public record so we don't know if she has or not. There are rumors that she did in fact go to the hospital with her mother. But again, that would not be something released.
"Why did it take so long to come forward?"
Some sirvivors never come forward for this exact reason. I will touch more on this later in my post.
"What if it's a ploy to get out of her contract?"
I hear 'the survivor is faking it' far too often. It perpetuates the disbelief of all survivors. I will touch more on this later in my post.
"Why is she only doing a civil suit and not a criminal suit?"
It is painful enough to come forward without trying to put your attacker behind bars. Some people just want to be free of the pain.
"How can you even prove it?"
When two people are alone, how do you expect to prove it? If for whatever reason, you cannot use a rape kit, how do you expect to prove it? When your rapist is loved by many, how do you expect to prove it?
This is all my opinion. Take what you will and think what you want.
But know this:
Why would any survivor: male, female, soldier, prisoner, daughter, son, anyone come forward in today's society?
I look at Kesha's case and I feel sick. I feel sick because I know that this is a real, constant problem. Rape is one of the worst things you can do to a person, second to death. In some cases, it can make someone feel dead. I know too many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted in their short lives. I know more people who have than who haven't.
I know even less who have come forward and honestly, they all did not go well:
A friend of mine was raped by two of her mother's boyfriends. She took them to court. She won. The heartbreaking part did not have to do with the trial. It was her mother's reaction. She did not believe her daughter. My friend was sent to live with relatives. They were never the same.
Another friend came forward. She did not press charges, however. She just wanted to feel safe. A majority of her friends did not believe her. A majority of friends still do not believe her, even though multiple other girls have come forward as well.
And then there is me. Many people know about my story... my childhood best friend. I have spoken at Take Back The Night and have been an advocate for years for survivors. I still have nightmares. I still see people who look like him and feel unsafe. A family member that knows what happened... Well... they tried to make me feel bad about not wanting to see him.
But that's not the whole story. I honestly don't remember if I have written about this before... I feel like a hypocrite because even though I told my story about my childhood best friend at Take Back The Night... I never told the story about my father. I didn't even really accept that it happened till I was a senior in college. I did not want to admit that someone who was supposed to be my hero was actually someone I was quite afraid of. Even talking about it in therapy I feel dizzy and cannot confront it.
I have been more quiet about this because one of the first people I told doubted me. It crushed me.
For years, I said nothing. Being afraid of what people would think of me. I never reported what happened to me for fear of what happened to my two friends and Kesha. Doubt in what happened is crushing. There is nothing more isolating to a survivor than doubt.
Rape affects people in different ways. It can make you angry. It can make you depressed or scared. I knew my attackers, and I still walk with my keys between my knuckles. It can make you uninterested in some of the most beautiful things in life: love, sex, even living.
Disbelief magnifies those feelings to a whole new level. But please, listen to me. Rapists don't have 'rapist' written on their forehead. Our society is not black and white, it's hues of grey. People don't really know what consent is anymore and it's scary.
It's unfortunate that in this age that I do not feel safe reporting. Because honestly reporting could mean prevention.
To anyone who is scared to speak out, I am here for you. If I know you well or not. I can help you the best I am able. And if someone comes to you, please listen. It could mean a world of difference.
Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous
As a survivor, I can easily answer these for you.
"Why did she claim that there was no abuse under oath?"
Well, she made these claims in 2011. A lot can happen in five years. Alternatively, she could have been threatened, or outright scared to speak up. Many survivors do not come forward as a form of protection or self preservation.
"Why didn't she use a rape kit?"
This would not be public record so we don't know if she has or not. There are rumors that she did in fact go to the hospital with her mother. But again, that would not be something released.
"Why did it take so long to come forward?"
Some sirvivors never come forward for this exact reason. I will touch more on this later in my post.
"What if it's a ploy to get out of her contract?"
I hear 'the survivor is faking it' far too often. It perpetuates the disbelief of all survivors. I will touch more on this later in my post.
"Why is she only doing a civil suit and not a criminal suit?"
It is painful enough to come forward without trying to put your attacker behind bars. Some people just want to be free of the pain.
"How can you even prove it?"
When two people are alone, how do you expect to prove it? If for whatever reason, you cannot use a rape kit, how do you expect to prove it? When your rapist is loved by many, how do you expect to prove it?
This is all my opinion. Take what you will and think what you want.
But know this:
Why would any survivor: male, female, soldier, prisoner, daughter, son, anyone come forward in today's society?
I look at Kesha's case and I feel sick. I feel sick because I know that this is a real, constant problem. Rape is one of the worst things you can do to a person, second to death. In some cases, it can make someone feel dead. I know too many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted in their short lives. I know more people who have than who haven't.
I know even less who have come forward and honestly, they all did not go well:
A friend of mine was raped by two of her mother's boyfriends. She took them to court. She won. The heartbreaking part did not have to do with the trial. It was her mother's reaction. She did not believe her daughter. My friend was sent to live with relatives. They were never the same.
Another friend came forward. She did not press charges, however. She just wanted to feel safe. A majority of her friends did not believe her. A majority of friends still do not believe her, even though multiple other girls have come forward as well.
And then there is me. Many people know about my story... my childhood best friend. I have spoken at Take Back The Night and have been an advocate for years for survivors. I still have nightmares. I still see people who look like him and feel unsafe. A family member that knows what happened... Well... they tried to make me feel bad about not wanting to see him.
But that's not the whole story. I honestly don't remember if I have written about this before... I feel like a hypocrite because even though I told my story about my childhood best friend at Take Back The Night... I never told the story about my father. I didn't even really accept that it happened till I was a senior in college. I did not want to admit that someone who was supposed to be my hero was actually someone I was quite afraid of. Even talking about it in therapy I feel dizzy and cannot confront it.
I have been more quiet about this because one of the first people I told doubted me. It crushed me.
For years, I said nothing. Being afraid of what people would think of me. I never reported what happened to me for fear of what happened to my two friends and Kesha. Doubt in what happened is crushing. There is nothing more isolating to a survivor than doubt.
Rape affects people in different ways. It can make you angry. It can make you depressed or scared. I knew my attackers, and I still walk with my keys between my knuckles. It can make you uninterested in some of the most beautiful things in life: love, sex, even living.
Disbelief magnifies those feelings to a whole new level. But please, listen to me. Rapists don't have 'rapist' written on their forehead. Our society is not black and white, it's hues of grey. People don't really know what consent is anymore and it's scary.
It's unfortunate that in this age that I do not feel safe reporting. Because honestly reporting could mean prevention.
To anyone who is scared to speak out, I am here for you. If I know you well or not. I can help you the best I am able. And if someone comes to you, please listen. It could mean a world of difference.
Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous
Monday, November 9, 2015
Limitless
We are not limitless ladies and gents. It's a hard truth we have to accept as adults.The truth is, sometimes, the only thing you can do is control yourself in the moment. You can give your full self into something, do your very best even, and whether or not people accept your efforts is not up to you.
You should try your hardest in life. You should consider why other people are the way they are... But you need to remember your limits.
In friendships, for instance, it should be a two way street. If you give and give and give and often find yourself wondering why it's so one sided and often find yourself hurt by this, where do you draw the line? You cannot make someone like you. You cannot make someone care for you the same you care for them. If you are finding that you are this situation, I ask you to consider the situation. Why are you putting so much effort into something you are not happy with? Focus on you and your happiness, and the person may come calling. If they don't... Well what does that say? There are people who care about you, sometimes you just have to kiss some friend frogs.
In relationships, it's the same thing. Don't spend your life fighting. Don't spend it struggling to get what you think you deserve. Be kind, be understanding of the person you love, and hold those same standards for yourself.
An easy way to tell if you have crossed your limits: If you feel worthless, weak, wrong, like a failure, that no one can help you, that no one understand or cares for youYou are far past your limits... You are worthy of love and understanding but you just may be in the wrong place to receive it. Don't give up on yourself.
I have recently reached my limits, which is weird for me because I am extremely resilient. I've realized though, that being limited does not mean being weak or wrong or a failure. It does not mean I am not resilient. It means that I am human. It means recognizing what the healthiest course for my life may be.
For everything in your life: friends, family, coworkers, loved ones... It's important to recognize your worth, and how much you're willing to take for the sake of your own happiness. We only have one life to live... Live it happy. Live it healthy.Saturday, July 11, 2015
The Eye of a Storm
Hello readers,
I ask that you keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Usually I am more open in hard times, but in the case... I'm only really telling people who need to know... And I can't write about it... That's not what this post is about.
It's inspired about my boss, actually. I e-mailed her last night to tell her about the current situation, and she replied just as I got into my car to drive to work.
This woman, she's what I hope to be like one day. She's so kind and caring. She smiles and it makes you excited to be in her presence. She inspires you, makes you want to be your very best. She's the type of person who would give you everything, and expect nothing. Though I did not expect it, she gave me the day off to really deal with what's going on. She too, is going through a difficult situation and she said something so beautiful that it stuck with me.
In her case, she will wake up and take in the beauty of her surroundings, and end the day the same as well.
Have you done this readers? I find that in many ways, it's how I've survived my hardships... Big and small.
For instance, my last two blogs were directed toward a confrontation with someone I know. Well I was assigned to work at the pool to get to know the person who runs it and the general day to day activities. I didn't feel right swimming and getting paid for it so I waited ALL DAY till my shift ended to jump in. For anyone who knows me, I'm happiest in the water.
So the conflict was on my mind as I sat and watched people swim, because a large part of me believe that there is a solution to everything, if I work hard enough. But once I jumped in, I laid on my back and swam peacefully back and forth across the pool. My ears underwater, total silence, looking at the ceiling I was in the eye of my personal storm. A moment for me. I was at peace.
Another big one for me is graphic design. If something is going on I will just put on my headphones and create something. Focus, control, determination, creating something beautiful. It makes me calm.
You know, unfortunately everyone will have their personal baggage. We all deal with it in unique ways. I urge you to find your moment of peace. Whether it be going out to dinner with friends, dancing your troubles away, or just gazing at the sunset... It will do you a lot of good.
We're all human and all you can do is try your best to deal with crazy, beautiful, complicated life.
Lots of love,
Samantha the appreciative
I ask that you keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Usually I am more open in hard times, but in the case... I'm only really telling people who need to know... And I can't write about it... That's not what this post is about.
It's inspired about my boss, actually. I e-mailed her last night to tell her about the current situation, and she replied just as I got into my car to drive to work.
This woman, she's what I hope to be like one day. She's so kind and caring. She smiles and it makes you excited to be in her presence. She inspires you, makes you want to be your very best. She's the type of person who would give you everything, and expect nothing. Though I did not expect it, she gave me the day off to really deal with what's going on. She too, is going through a difficult situation and she said something so beautiful that it stuck with me.
In her case, she will wake up and take in the beauty of her surroundings, and end the day the same as well.
Have you done this readers? I find that in many ways, it's how I've survived my hardships... Big and small.
For instance, my last two blogs were directed toward a confrontation with someone I know. Well I was assigned to work at the pool to get to know the person who runs it and the general day to day activities. I didn't feel right swimming and getting paid for it so I waited ALL DAY till my shift ended to jump in. For anyone who knows me, I'm happiest in the water.
So the conflict was on my mind as I sat and watched people swim, because a large part of me believe that there is a solution to everything, if I work hard enough. But once I jumped in, I laid on my back and swam peacefully back and forth across the pool. My ears underwater, total silence, looking at the ceiling I was in the eye of my personal storm. A moment for me. I was at peace.
Another big one for me is graphic design. If something is going on I will just put on my headphones and create something. Focus, control, determination, creating something beautiful. It makes me calm.
You know, unfortunately everyone will have their personal baggage. We all deal with it in unique ways. I urge you to find your moment of peace. Whether it be going out to dinner with friends, dancing your troubles away, or just gazing at the sunset... It will do you a lot of good.
We're all human and all you can do is try your best to deal with crazy, beautiful, complicated life.
Lots of love,
Samantha the appreciative
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
An Eye For An Eye
Hey readers!
Been thinking over my last post... A question I received was... Why don't you hate this person for treating you this way?
My question back, what good does that do?
Hating someone just because they don't like you solves nothing. To quote my all time favorite movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman (You should totally watch it),
"When somebody hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself. "
I don't like how this person views me. Hating her for it only reinforces her opinion of me.
I am a nice person. I believe it's better to make the best out of difficult situations. I'd rather laugh then cry when I'm frustrated. I'm willing to give chances after chances because I understand being frustrated. I understand being human.
I also understand that people view things differently than I do. I cannot expect the same courtesy in return.
The only thing I can really do is prove her wrong by continuing to be me. I'm eccentric, I like being happy... If people think I'm being fake because of all this, fine. But I know I'm being true to myself. Life it too short.
You don't have control of other people and how they perceive you... In the end you can only do so much... But you better damn try to be your best self--for you.
Just something to think about.
Best,
Samantha the thoughtful
Been thinking over my last post... A question I received was... Why don't you hate this person for treating you this way?
My question back, what good does that do?
Hating someone just because they don't like you solves nothing. To quote my all time favorite movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman (You should totally watch it),
"When somebody hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself. "
I don't like how this person views me. Hating her for it only reinforces her opinion of me.
I am a nice person. I believe it's better to make the best out of difficult situations. I'd rather laugh then cry when I'm frustrated. I'm willing to give chances after chances because I understand being frustrated. I understand being human.
I also understand that people view things differently than I do. I cannot expect the same courtesy in return.
The only thing I can really do is prove her wrong by continuing to be me. I'm eccentric, I like being happy... If people think I'm being fake because of all this, fine. But I know I'm being true to myself. Life it too short.
You don't have control of other people and how they perceive you... In the end you can only do so much... But you better damn try to be your best self--for you.
Just something to think about.
Best,
Samantha the thoughtful
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Fake
Hey readers,
It's been a while. I'm typing this on my phone so bear with me. I haven't written lately because I have some sort of sleep disorder and between that and the job it's hard to think. Sounds strange right? Well if you've ever gone a few days without sleep it'd make sense. It's harder to remember things, make decisions, heightens anxiety... Controlling emotions? Forget it. Basically feeling normal is out of the question. You're basically at face value...
Which is why I'm posting today. Recently I've been accused of being fake. Well... Not accused really--it was highly insinuated as someone was talking to me.
Ouch
For anyone that knows me, that sucks. My whole mantra is telling people how you feel and appreciating what you have. Be kind. Be understanding. Never give up never surrender.
I'm not in a mental capacity to consider how I've been acting to know I've been fake or not... It wasn't my intention... At what point does intention collide with perception, though?
If by fake, you mean cordial...
The worst of it is that in the end... I'm not even mad at her for it... I really like this person. She's intelligent, strong, beautiful... But for some reason she doesn't seem to see good in me.
No, I'm not mad... I'm just sad because I try. I've tried small talk and I've been rebuffed. I've tried showing interest and I've been rebuffed. The only thing that works is talking to her as little as possible which secretly kills me.
If I'm being honest with myself I don't have the strength to be fake. I'm genuinely trying to keep it together until this dr can see me about my sleeping problems.
So how would you proceed readers? The only thing I can do is keep a smile on and keep on keeping on. And when that doesn't work... Well it's okay to cry in your car like I did today... Everyone has their weak moments. Cry and move on!
Best
Samantha the sleepless
Saturday, May 2, 2015
All Work, Some Play
So I started the new job, and I love the positive atmosphere. There isn't much for me to do yet as I have a few things here and there to finish before I can start designing.
My thing is that I feel like I try too hard. I want to be liked, and to be thought of as a hard worker. I know I have to calm down so I don't drive me coworkers crazy with my anxiety. But really though, they're amazing. I'm even sad about the people who are leaving.
In other news, I've officially moved into the world of adult clothing. I used to dread the thought of suits, though I really hoped I had a reason to wear one. Well times are changing ladies and gents... Office wear can now be colorful and playful. So I took a picture of my outfits for my first full week--with the exception of casual Tuesday (for a going away party) eh I'm just not as much of a fan of my outfit that day. My blog my rules!
And talking about my rules... I'm NOT going to link you to my shoes, or tell you the company. Name brands really shouldn't matter, especially in shoes. If it's cute and it looks good WHO CARES? I will tell you where I get my shoes, as I don't think anyone should pay full price for these expensive shoes. There IS something to say about expensive shoes as they are more comfortable... But why pay $350 when you can get them for $50. So check out myhabit.com
So Monday I wore:
This blazer was from LaneBryant but it's no longer available. Find a similar by following the link. This is a similar shirt to the one shown... And a similar skirt as well.
I need to get going so I'm going to skip the prices for the rest of the outfits.
Thursday:
My thing is that I feel like I try too hard. I want to be liked, and to be thought of as a hard worker. I know I have to calm down so I don't drive me coworkers crazy with my anxiety. But really though, they're amazing. I'm even sad about the people who are leaving.
In other news, I've officially moved into the world of adult clothing. I used to dread the thought of suits, though I really hoped I had a reason to wear one. Well times are changing ladies and gents... Office wear can now be colorful and playful. So I took a picture of my outfits for my first full week--with the exception of casual Tuesday (for a going away party) eh I'm just not as much of a fan of my outfit that day. My blog my rules!
And talking about my rules... I'm NOT going to link you to my shoes, or tell you the company. Name brands really shouldn't matter, especially in shoes. If it's cute and it looks good WHO CARES? I will tell you where I get my shoes, as I don't think anyone should pay full price for these expensive shoes. There IS something to say about expensive shoes as they are more comfortable... But why pay $350 when you can get them for $50. So check out myhabit.com
So Monday I wore:
This suit from Simply Be. They sell the pants for $59.95 and the blazer for $79.95. The shirt is from Eloquii, which is constantly having crazy sales. Normally it's $74.90.
Wednesday:
I need to get going so I'm going to skip the prices for the rest of the outfits.
Thursday:
The last was from MyHabit.com. I'm telling you check out this site!
Now if you will excuse me, I have the 10 year anniversary of my sorority to celebrate!
Pictures to come!
Lots of love,
Samantha the Fatulous
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